So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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