the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
