Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize