I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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