I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize