Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
