Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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