She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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