I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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