this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i now understand why vodka
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
