I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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