If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
this is an emotional support booty call
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
