you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
