Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
