Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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