I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
