dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
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