I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
