apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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