She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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