This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
