I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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