i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
