the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
