you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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