I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize