is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
