dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
