note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
