I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
