the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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