i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
