I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
