I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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