Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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