Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
