you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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