i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
