last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
