Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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