This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
