the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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