Just cropdusted the office
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
