My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
