i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
