Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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