I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
