i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
