forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
