I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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