I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
