I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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