sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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