So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
