I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
