Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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