I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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