Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
