I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Never underestimate the power of titties
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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