If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
