mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
