Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
