My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
