I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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